They are moments that keep happening to him all over again, he experience them differently and react differently towards them. They are his realities meant to be felt by him. When their side effects reveal themselves through him, we as the society easily judge nor conclude otherwise. But when women faced with UN seen realities. As a society, we begging to find reasons. They are the reasons for his decision making. Be it good or bad. No one can feel them for him but him. We advise him to go get what he wants, but we never tell him at what cost. UN seen realities are the cost of his go-getting be it positive nor negative they are the results of his actions. They require emotional stability/fitness more than physical stability/fitness. He gets sexually, physically and emotionally abuses without a trail. Isn’t those the effect from his unseen realities? I do not know but I do know that they are the results of something, something he keeps inside of him because a man needs to be strong, a man does not whine nor cry. If he must not cry nor whine what must he do? How does he express emotions inside of him? How does he express his anger coursed by those unseen realities that we don’t know about? We are so focused on what is best for women, her protection and her emotional needs. What about HIM? His care? His needs? Who is taking care of him? His mother? Really!
Dear MEN. How can we help you fight your emotional illness? How can we help you break free from whatever is holding you against yourself? How can we help you recognize your brother and his family as your own? How can we help you recognize another sister, child, mother, grandmother as your own? Has killing become a way of showing masculinity? Has rape become a way of showing power? You don’t need to break someone’s bones for you to be heard. You do not need to kill for your word to be heard. For us as ABAFAZI to psychologically help you, we need you to allow us to do so. We need you as much as you need us. We need each other as men and women. This is not a Man nor a Women’s world. This is our world as two opposing forces with different factors. Women, yes you might think it is not your job to fix your man’s inner journey. But if not you then who? Because they are busy killing each other and us too. Recreation and healing should start in our homes, and then to the world….
I am lost. Lost in relationships, lost in sex, lost in life, lost physically, lost emotionally, lost in everything. I am becoming forgetful, I don’t remember things. I am lost in my mind I can’t keep up with it. It’s like i am living someone’s life. I want to wake up, this life does not feel real, it does not feel like mine. I wish it did.
She was preparing dinner for her husband and kids when she received the letter. Ting tong that was the doorbell.as she rushes to see who was at the door. She opened the door and a tall handsome young man was standing in her doorstep with an envelope in his hand and a smile on his face. “Good afternoon, I have a delivery for Mrs. Her,” says a young man. “Oh, that would be me”. Mrs. Her. Responded. She confirmed receiving the letter by signing for it. And the young gentleman left. Mrs. Her is used to receiving letters but this one was different from the ones she usually gets. This letter had no stamp no did it have specific details as to who it was from. The only assurance she had that the letter was for her, was her maiden name written in cursive on the letter. She sat down, as she was about to open the letter she was being disrupted by her younger daughter’s frustrations because she cannot find the clothes she was wearing yesterday. She gets up to assist her daughter and left the letter on top of the table. She carries on with her cooking and assisting her kids with homework. She has not forgotten about the letter, she just wants to finish being a wife and a mother so that she can have her time and read the letter. She puts the kids to bed, takes a shower and gives my boyfriend a goodnight kiss. As she gets comfortable and opens the letter that I wrote for her. “Dear sister to be, firstly let me apologize for writing you a letter and not saying what I am about to say to you in person. I was afraid for my life and for my dignity to be videoed and shown to the whole world. But I am not apologizing for falling for your husband. I want to let you know that my intentions are not to separate you with your husband nor that I do not respect your marriage. I want to let you know that I do exist and that my existence is not to tear your family apart or to hurt your feelings. Though you are going to be hurt. I did not choose to fall for your husband he found me. And I am pretty sure that he was not looking but you can never know, maybe he is still looking. But what I am trying to say is. I am very much in love with your husband, I want to spend the rest of my days with him. I am not looking for marriage in him. In fact, I do not want to be married to him. I do not want a certificate to prove my love for him, nor his love for me. Your husband loves you very much, that I can assure you and he won’t be leaving you and I hope you won’t be living him too. The reason I am writing this letter to you is to ask for your acceptance. I want to be part of your family’s life, your life and your husband’s life too. Of course, if you do not agree nor want me into your life, I will accept that, but I want to let you know that your husband has already gone outside and invited a third person into your marriage who is willing to be part of your family. If you do not approve, I will respect your decision but always know that you were not able to stop him from having a girlfriend he will find another because I will not continue being in a relationship with him if you do not want to. And if you do approve of our relationship I want to let you know that you will be his wife forever and I will be his girlfriend forever for our sanity. The reason I want to stay his girlfriend is for your sanity and mine. Because if we are both his wives he will still want a girlfriend whom he will fulfill his fantasies with. Of course, he won’t fulfill all his fantasies with you because you are his wife. There are certain things husbands do with their wives and there is also a lot they do not do with their wives. Please do write back. And before you fume and call me names just put yourself in my shoes. If you were me, what you would have done when the person you love is married. Your husband does not know about this letter. Yours lovely: Your Husbands girlfriend“. Of course, I was expecting a good understanding response from her since I took time and wrote to her. Two weeks later the same handsome young man showed up on my doorstep with a letter on his hand from HER………
I was present but did not exist. I did not have the ability to feel. You left me at my worst, where I needed you the most, you left me with nothing but a pen and a paper together with a clear mind. You have turned me into a poet. I have become a not so much motivational speaker to the world but to my being because of you. You left me with your empty promises, your words with no home. Your words are still wondering in my head trying to find a home. They are failing to even build themselves an imitation of a home because there was never a solid foundation. They cant settle because you left them on their own. Yes, you did not shove them into my head I voluntary allowed them to enter. I will be your love story written from your heart and experienced by your flesh. I am grateful for your rejection because if it wasn’t for it, I would have not found love in the midst of vows.
I think I have come to realization and I now know my place as the girl of the night, the one who waits behind the door, in the dark, where no one sees me but only be seen by the owner who has hopefully placed me there. I know I am not supposed to come out even if the house is on fire, how dare I show myself out to the light without the one who has put me there’s permission?. I am expected to rather die with the truth that I know than to let my existence be known, not to the world but to the light that I long for. I sometimes think I am the only girl who has been placed behind the door not knowing there are a lot of other sisters like myself who are making their way in and out, and I am just waiting there behind the door being the victim of being loved in the dark. Even when the rays of sunshine shows it’s self within the door I no longer feel it’s warmth because I have gotten used to being the girl of the night, the one who stays behind the door. When he sees that behind the door is becoming transparent he changes the position and place me underneath the bed, it’s nothing new, I am used to being bent-over to every direction he points. I have become an underneath bucket that he uses when he wants to pee, and when a lot of people are not watching because sometimes the dark is more fun than the light. The lies that he whispers to my ears every time he pulls me out underneath the bed nor behind the door are so smoothing that they have blinded the truth he is manifesting. The day walkers know nothing about me but the night walkers can write nor tell a story about my being. If my intentions were to destroy his marriage nor brake his home the world would have known about me long-time. I carry on being the girl of the night the one who is being placed behind the door,because right there in those dark moments I still feel a little bit of love. Even though I no longer can differentiate between true love and lust……..
I have my fist up on my face ready to throw in a first punch to a fight that does not even exist because of my insecurities. I bad-mouthed her in the presence of a man because I wanted to be noticed, forgetting that we are all a feast at the man’s table. Why do I hate her so much? What did she do that I can not even see the beauty in her soul? The hatred I have for her blocks all the good that she is trying to pour out. Why do I always carry out a lie about her knowing that it could ruin her life and the lives of those around her?. Why can’t I wipe her tears on her face instead of showing them off?. Why can’t I help her up when she is down instead of pressing her down even more?. Why can’t I tell her the truth instead of lying to her even more?. Why can’t I bring her a comb when her hair is messy?. Why her business bothers me so much?. What is it that is so hard about me minding my own business and leave hers alone?… I guess it’s because I am SHE too…..